Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Where are the answers I am looking for?

A few days ago, I found out that a childhood friend of mine that I have known since age 7, passed away after an epic battle with asthma. She was 27 years old. I am incredibly heartbroken for her family and her fiancé.

I am sad because I will never see my friend again.

I am sad because she was an amazing person, with so much incredible talent, and the world only was able to know her for 27 years.

I am mad because I don't, I can't believe that it was her time to leave this earth. I just can't.

I am confused because at times like this, most people turn to their spirituality or religion for guidance on how to get through these things. I don't have that to turn to right now. I feel very lost. I feel very angry. I wish I had some answers.

As a law student and at one time, an aspiring archaeologist, I look for facts and evidence - things I can understand by seeing them with my own eyes. I have a minor in religious studies, but how do you believe in something you can't see and you can't feel? It's my own personal issue that I struggle with, especially in times of pain and sadness.

I believe in nature and the circle of life. I believe in explanations for why things happen. I believe in science.

I believe in Karma. I believe that what goes around does come back around. I believe in treating people with respect. I believe in being honest.

I believe in love.

I believe that I love others.

I believe that there is a life after death, though I don't know what it could ever entail.

I believe that cooking may be my religion. I can see it, I can feel it, I taste it, I can see how it makes other people feel. I know there are many books, many different methods and techniques to cooking - I like that my religion has options and one is not "more right" than the other. I like that over-doing something has an immediate consequence that you can see, feel, taste and smell.

A lot of things aren't fair. A lot of things aren't "right." I want to know why.

Yea, this post wasn't about food, but I haven't been able to cook since I found out about my friend. Usually when I am upset or angry - I cook the hell out of something. This is different. I am going to try to cook tonight after work. Maybe a steak can revive my broken heart.

I am also thankful for my dog, Carmen. She can be a handful, but she's the most consistent thing in my life besides my family, law school, and my computer. I will never regret rescuing her. Ever. 

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